not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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