i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
