I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
