He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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