yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
