after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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