When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."