my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
