We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
