Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
