A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
