I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
