90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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