I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
