He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
