I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
