Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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