What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
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she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
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Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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