haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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