you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
