she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
