Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
