I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
