i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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