What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
