After last night, I could never be a politician.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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