summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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