Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
