textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
