well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
