Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
