I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
