I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
