Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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