i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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