I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
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