dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
