Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Randomize
