I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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