My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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