You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
