I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
