we're chasing vodka with high fives
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
