It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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