Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
