Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
