Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
