New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
That reminds me...we need to get swords
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
