omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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