I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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