Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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