Moan for me like Helen Keller
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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