I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
