Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
