I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Randomize
