im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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