I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
