I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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