i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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