i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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