Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
